It's been a "when animals attack week" hasn't it? A sea lion attacking swimmers in California, nipping them (in the bud?). I find that a little humorous. Swim if you will, cool, just remember, it's NOT YOUR OCEAN.
A 5,000 pound, 17 foot killer whale attacked a trainer at Sea World in Orlando. Drug him under water and pinned him on the bottom twice(fuck, how horrific is that?). Broke his foot. Second time was after he was attempting to soothe and calm the beast by rubbing on it, uh huh, it's a killer whale you goober.
Got whaled on did ya? Sea World officials say the whale "may be allowed" to perform again. I was a two and a half ton killer whale I'd be deciding who does the performing or not. I think whales have the most enormous male appendages in all of animalkind, seems like I read that somewhere. Article said the trainer dude's wet suit was ripped, hmm, slick black wet suit, kinda looked like a skinny whale maybe ya think? Maybe the attack was an act of love. Only two beings know what happened at the bottom of that pool. Trainer guy starts blowing water out of his belly button I'd be suspicious.
My favorite, by far, is the doofus in north central Florida, picture this, middle of the night, smokin some crack with a couple buds, sayin', hey, hold my pipe, strippin' down and taking a nude stroll around a seemingly placid moonlit lake, humming a little crackhead toon, la di da, BAM, FUCKING BAM, twelve foot alligator drags your coked out naked sorry ass into HIS lake. FUCK, huh? This moron is half the man he used to be, part of an arm missing, a leg mangled. Neighbors heard the screaming, called the authorities who arrived quickly it seems and pried the gator's jaws open, freeing what's left of the man from a further disarming, leaving him with barely a leg to stand on.
Imagine these two guys, gator bait and whale bitch, by random chance a couple months from now, seated at a bar in Kissimmee, gator bait dude drinking cheap beer, whale bitch something with an umbrella in it along with his seafood appetizer, turning to each other, whale trainer guy says, you don't mind me askin', what happened to your leg, and your arm? Long story, why's the front of your shirt wet? There ya go.
So that's number uno of my six weird things about me, wild animals attacking kinda fascinates me. To the extent that I don't think it would be a bad way to go.....what happened to your Dad? Mountain lion took him on a hike in the back country of Utah, he never saw it coming. Fucking bear took him down in Colorado, we found remnants of his hat and some pieces of his camera, seems from his compact flash card he was taking pics till the end.
2. If I found out I had a terminal disease I would aggressively treat it, at first, then say fuck you, I'm going on my terms, and I envision myself swan diving from a divine viewpoint at the Grand Canyon, or at Grandview Point at Canyonlands NP, or maybe somewhere much more back country obscure, perhaps a Butch Cassidy dive into the Colorado River, or maybe give it up inside a narrow slot canyon a hundred miles from anyone.
3. Or..........and I love this one.........sui..cide bomb the glen canyon dam, I would be a hero, except in Phoenix, Vegas, and such places where they need the water for fountains, pools and golf courses.
4. I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac. I (perhaps idiotically) believe I can ward off illness and disease by willing it away. I do take the medications prescribed to me (mostly) but dodge nearly all preventive diagnostics. I know, stupid, but I told you it was something weird about me. Don't say denial to this boy.
5. I still fantasize about hippie chicks.
6. I have an almost obsessive fascination with secrets and have never used anyone's against them. People generally know they can trust me with their dark side, I would have made a good priest except for the sex part. Although lately..........
Yeah, I gotta debouch my debauch.